Joke Thread etc....

Q: How do you get a blonde on the roof?
A: Tell her drinks are on the house.

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I''m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick''s refrigerator....."

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

a man walks out of a bar toyally hammered,only to be greeted by a snobby woman.She takes one look at him.

"You, sir ,are drunk!"

"And you ma'am,are ugly.But when i wake up,I will be sober!"

Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured “sure, why not,” as they haven’t played with anyone else in quite some time.

So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again - this time seriously.

The stranger said “No really, I’m hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you don’t believe me, I’ve never been dishonest.”

So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?”

“Sure,” said the stranger.

So the man looked around for a second and said “HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Sweet! Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too! And he’s in my room!”

This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied “It’s $1000 every time I pull the trigger.” The man said “$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife.”

The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. He’s looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what he’s waiting for. The hitman replies kind of anxiously, “Just hold on a minute… I’m about to save you a thousand bucks!”

What is that old saying about buyer's beware?

------

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to
someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated, he went up to her and said,
"I'll give you $100 if you have let me have sex with you."

The girl said "NO".

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down , and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she'd have to consult her boyfriend.
She called her boyfriend and told him the story.

The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then bend down and pick it up very fast.
He won't even get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the
boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes,
the boyfriend called and asked what happened...

She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

Business lesson 101: Always consider a business proposal in its
entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

O_O whoa lana ...

divert ur course joke is very funny hehehe good one xeron heh

rofl... omg all these are awesome :)




How to get out of a speeding ticket:

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun
in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.




Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too

heheh yeah funny :laugh:

lol good one tangy XD

A blonde goes to the hairdresser.
But she's still wearing her headphones, so the hairdresser ask to remove it.
The blonde dont respond.
So the hairdresser removed the headphone and start to cut her hair.
While she's cutting her hair suddenly the blonde falls or her chair, and she aint breathing anymore.
The hairdresser didnt understand it, so she listended what came from the headphone. "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."

Whether one is "shipwrecked" or just plain "wrecked", perhaps the following words of wisdom might help one stay at or near the surface.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!!!!


John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.

lol hehe

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)



























Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.














































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Men keep scrolling....









































By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

*kicks evocator*

A couple were on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take the chance with that bitch."

LoL great jokes Evocator, besides sayig were bad drivers >.<



Anyway heres another joke :)



There was a family, Mom a Dad and their son, preparing for thanksgiving dinner.
Early that day the lil boy hears his parents arguing. His dad calls his mom a Bitch and his mom calls his dad a Bastard so later he asks his mom.... "Mom whats a bitch and a bastard?"
So the mom replies....
"well son u see Bitch is a word for a lady and Bastard is a word for a gentleman"
After that he walks outside and hears his neghbors having sex and the woman screams... "put your penis in my vagina!" so again he goes and asks his mom "Mom whats a penis and a vagina?"
Not knowing what to say the mom tells him....
"a penis is a hat and a Vagina is a coat"
So the lil boy walks away and goes upstairs, His dad is upstairs shaving and cuts himself, and yells out SHIT!
Again the lil boy asks his dad.... "Dad what does shit mean?"
The Dad replies.... "shit is a kind of shaving cream son"
The day goes by and later that night he goes to the kitchen, where his mom is cutting the turkey and accidentally cuts her finger and yells Fu.ck!
So you guessed it the boy asks.... " Mom what does Fu.ck mean?"
The mom answers " love is just a way of cutting the turkey, son."



The doorbell rings and the boy goes to greet the guests, he says.....
"Hello Bitches and bastards, may i take your penis's and vaginas?
My dad is upstairs wiping shit off his face and my moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

lol tangy~

evocator i love the foxtrot joke in your siggy

LoL @ Evocator on the santa/women joke

LOL @ Tangy's
i realli laugh at that one xD ...

Evo those were some funny jokes.